Wondering internally the mental struggle, life for the most part has been very good to me, had a long wonderful marriage, two caring children matured into accomplished adults, found retirement to have a long sought after answer.
Retirement though not as easy as first thought, financially could be better, financial planning was for both of us to retire healthy, have our pensions, old age security, and some registered retirement funds. Death does not allow the government to let the surviving member live this for the Canada pension plan does not give you the amount the other spouse would have got. The old age security does not give the amount that planning had been based on, so you shrug your shoulders continue working or cut back on your guilty pleasures.
Close to a decade before my better half passed away the internet choose to show me that life outside a vanilla existence flourished some call it BDSM, others refer it as the dominant/submissive exchange, those living it one way tell you it is a power exchange dynamic.
Professional dominatrixes have professional photos showing their sensual bodies in nearly naked exposure. Black the colour of choice for the outfits, corsets, thongs, stockings, garter belts, five or six in heels, a whip, or some form of bondage apparatus pictures all hinting at sexual excitement. Delving into this world it is not about sex but about control, seldom does the sexual act ever enter into the exchange between a dominatrix and the client.
Of course my fantasy was to be seduced by the charming words spoken by such a dominant woman. The slow drawn out imagination that a woman so beautiful and intelligent saw something worthwhile in this soul. How with looks of her eyes boring into my mind, causing my blood to slowly percolate, and an uncontrollable urge to feel the appendage between my thighs grow without a touch, all from a smile, a look, and the scent of her perfume as she stood toe to toe in conversation.
Joining web sites, even those that offer instant messaging, profile as in dating information, the opportunity to connect with such dominant woman are pipe dreams away. The paying sites gives one the chance to pay for conversation and how this is such a toying exercise, the chats the talks are all peripheral, like good sales people they offer just enough to have you return to spend more and more and never allowing you to understand or achieve the goal, or at least even think you are.
Like the teeter totter from childhood up you go in the air with hope, down you crash with despair, the life long battle of seesaw emotion trying to maneuver through the jungle of female supremacy, to even know if a female led relationship is the nirvana of happiness.